Parenting

How Not to Cause Your Tween an Embarrassing Moment

And what to do if you do.

If it hasn't happened to you yet, count yourself lucky, because at some point your tween will roll his eyes when you walk into the room, or ask that you drop him off a few blocks away from his friend's house. The reason? Your tween is embarrassed by you. Don't take it personally, parents are often the cause of a child's embarrassing moment. Understanding why your child no longer worships the ground on which you walk may help you cope with hurt feelings, and help your child through this important transition from child to adolescent.

Don't Sweat It

Photo: Stockxpert

If you've caused your child an embarrassing moment or two, don't fret. As you may remember from your own childhood, your child's sudden embarrassment of you indicates that a few things are going on with his social and mental development. For one, it shows that your tween is more aware of what's going on around him, and that means that he is aware of your imperfections. In addition, at this age your child is ready to take on a little independence, and that can't happen if you're waiting in the wings every time he turns around.

It's important that you don't take your child's occasional rejection of you personally. This phase of development isn't really about you at all, but rather it's about your child trying to figure out who he is.

It's Only Temporary

Tweens may exhibit embarrassment around ages 10 or 11. The good news is that by the time your child graduates from high school he should be well past this phase, and may even decide that he's not only proud of you, but he's once again proud to be seen with you. Knowing this may help you swallow your pride (and hurt feelings) when your tween pretends you're a complete stranger or says you're the cause of his most embarrassing moment ever.

Give Him Some Space

What's the real cause of a child's perceived embarrassing moment? The issue of independence is often times a child's concern. Tweens need a little independence from time to time, and your child may prefer that you back off on activities that you've always shared. For example, your child may no longer want you to show up at his school to have lunch, or he may ask that you refrain from signing up as the soccer team coach this year. Again, these requests aren't personal reflections on how your child feels about you, it's just that he would like the opportunity to spread his wings, just a little.

But Keep Him Safe

While it's important to give your child some space, it's also important to make sure he stays safe. Allowing your son to walk to a friend's house without you is fine, as long as you determine the neighborhood is safe, and that your child is prepared to make responsible decisions, such as paying attention to stop signs and taking other safety measures. If your child wants to hit the mall without you, you may have to limit his independence. For example, rather than dropping him off and leaving him unattended, you might consider staying at the mall and checking in with him periodically. In addition, it's important to know that some malls or shopping markets don't allow children under the age of 18 after certain hours without a chaperone.

Avoid an Embarrassing Moment

The list of your behaviors that might cause your tween an embarrassing moment is a long one, and may vary from day to day. In general, tweens hate it when parents:

Call him a nickname in front of his friends
Try to joke around with his friends
Discipline him in front of his friends
Show his baby pictures or preschool pictures to his friends
Discuss a crush or other personal information with others
Call him endearing names such as "Honey" or "Sweetie Pie" in front of others

You're His Parent, Not His Buddy

Your tween needs you now as much as ever. While parents may want to recapture those years when they were inseparable from their child, it's important to give tweens some space, and to keep on parenting. Preteens don't always make good choices, and when they don't they need parents to be there with a dose of reality. Refrain from attempting to become your child's best buddy in an attempt to renew your close bond. What he really needs is a parent. Friendship can come later, when his adolescence is behind him. And take a breath, just because your tween wants you to drop him off a few blocks before school doesn't mean he doesn't want to share time with you now and then.

Establish Behavior Limits

It's normal for your tween to pretend you're not there when he's with his buddies, but it's not OK for him to engage in disrespectful behavior. Put a quick end to name calling, tween back talk, or other behaviors that are disrespectful to you. Your tween may be growing up, but you're still in charge. And he has to respect you as his parent, whether you're the cause of an embarrassing moment or not.